


The Right Kind of Advertising

by Amerna



Series: Information and creepy merchandise [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Feminist!Natasha, Gen, I've found way too much weird/creepy/unbelievable merchandise on the internet as part of my research, Natasha Romanoff is not impressed, SHIELD is basically like MIB but with better marketing, and offers the most ridiculous merchandise ever, and probably mentally scarring, most of the stuff is hilarious though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2210385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amerna/pseuds/Amerna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’d be surprised if you knew what SHIELD is doing apart from the ‘saving the world’ and ‘keeping innocent citizens safe’. Each time somebody downloads Cap’s very catchy theme song from iTunes or Amazon or whatever SHIELD gets 50 ct out of it. If you listen to it on YouTube, SHIELD will get money out of it. And trust me, our not-so-super-secret-anymore organisation is very good with enforcing payment for the things they own.”</p><p>“So, no downloading it illegally from the internet then?”</p><p>“If you value your life and your computer hard drive, no.”</p><p>-----------------</p><p>The Avengers discover their merchandise or the tongue-in-cheek answer to the question: How does SHIELD even finance their infrastructure in a time where the government has less money to give?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Right Kind of Advertising

**Author's Note:**

> It was [inspired by this post](http://nataliatasha.tumblr.com/post/83543086217/winter-soldier-the-most-unrealistic-movie-ever-as), mainly #5: theres no way anybody would be able to afford to build helicarriers when the government can’t even afford to make a good healthcare website.

Darcy stormed into the common room in a huff.

“Really, how often have I explained the settings to him already?” she muttered to herself. “That man is so unwilling to learn! I should just download and change his ringtone to ‘Star Spangled Man with a Plan’. That would teach him not to be so daft.”

She hadn’t seen that Tony was already sitting on one of the couches in the common area, reading.

“Really, Lewis,” he commented, “there’s no need for Big Brother to get even more money out of him.”

She jumped around in surprise and then glared at him. “I’m sorry?” Darcy asked. “Who’s getting money out of what?”

“SHIELD, they own the rights to the song. Well, the rights to everything Captain America, really. It’s a very profitable enterprise, too.”

“You are kidding, right?” Darcy said, sitting down next to him, phone and revenge plans momentarily forgotten. “How can they own this? They are an government organisation.”

“You’d be surprised if you knew what SHIELD is doing apart from the ‘saving the world’ and ‘keeping innocent citizens safe’. Each time somebody downloads Cap’s very catchy theme song from iTunes or Amazon or whatever SHIELD gets 50 ct out of it. If you listen to it on YouTube, SHIELD will get money out of it. And trust me, our not-so-super-secret-anymore organisation is very good with enforcing payment for the things they own.”

“So, no downloading it illegally from the internet then?”

“If you value your life and your computer hard drive, no,” he said, getting up from the couch and laying his book aside. “If you like, I can tell you all about it some time.”

He was already at the door when he added an afterthought: “Oh, and Cap is just pretending to be overwhelmed by modern technology and especially his phone because he loves spending time with you and playing the helpless puppy always seems to work on you.”

He was already in the hallway when he heard Darcy yell “Seriously, Tony? Seriously?” after him.

~***~

The revelation about Steve’s reasons for spending time with her kept Darcy occupied for a few days, but Tony was not surprised that her curiosity was piqued. He found her sitting on one of the workbenches in his workshop a few days later, looking pensive.

“Aren’t you supposed to be with Jane? She mentioned something about an experiment she couldn’t wait to start the other day?”

“Which means that she’ll be occupied for at least a week and I have nothing to do but to keep her fed and watered, make sure that she sleeps at regular intervals and look after the coffee supply every few hours. Which means I have entirely too much time on my hands these days.”

“So, what are doing here?”

“I’ve been thinking about your revelation a few days ago?”

“Oh, you mean Captain America’s gigantonourmous crush on you?”

“Haha, no. The _other_ revelation. With SHIELD actually owning Steve and making money out of him?”

“Chickening out, aren’t you? You don’t want to talk about how you’ve been thinking about the man beneath the uniform and if he’s really as innocent and pure as the 40s propaganda wants us to believe?”

“Yes, of course I want to talk about this with you, Tony. And afterwards we drink martinis and braid our hair and take the Cosmo sex quiz,” she shot back dead-pan.

“That’s always been my life’s ambition,” he said mockingly. But he had also noticed that she had blushed at his teasing and he decided to store this information away for later use. “So, what do you want to know, kiddo?”

“Everything.”

“And not about Steve Rogers, the person, but rather Captain America, the global brand?”

“Yup. You mentioned that SHIELD makes money out of the song? You were kidding, right?”

Tony sighed and sat down at his workbench. “I’m hurt that you trust me so little, my young Padawan. Would I ever do this to you? Jarvis, how many times has ‘Star Spangled Man with a Plan’ been downloaded so ever since it became available on iTunes?”

“439,172 times, sir,” came the efficient voice out of nowhere.

“See. That’s quite the achievement for a 70-year-old song, no doubt boosted by the recent increase of news stories about the Avengers in general and America’s favourite defrosted hero in particular. But doesn’t it strike odd to you that SHIELD doesn’t do anything to minimise the coverage about the Avenger’s missions and members? They are a secret organisation after all?”

Darcy just shrugged. “It’s good for the public image, I guess? And a major deterrent? People will now think twice about attacking us?”

“True. That and the fact that’s is free advertisement for one of their major source of income.”

“But it’s just the song…? And the old Captain America comics,” she added as an afterthought. “And the trading cards Coulson was so fond of.”

“No, it’s way more than that. How else do you expect SHIELD to pay for their whole infrastructure?”

“They are run with my tax money? They are a government agency after all?”

“Oh _please_. Our government cannot even afford a decent healthcare website. Sure, SHIELD gets funded by some other governments as well and the World Security Council, but a huge majority of their funds comes from cashing in on America’s golden boy, his current teammates and his former 40s boy band. They also have some pretty fancy technology patents courtesy of my father.”

Darcy just raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you one of his teammates and shouldn’t the rights to your father’s inventions belong to Stark Industries and thereby you?”

“Aha! Now you are asking the right questions. For your information: Iron Man is independent and not owned by SHIELD but rather Stark Industries. They can’t cash in on my inventions nor have they any marketing or merchandising rights. Remember, they tried once via Congress but we all know how that ended. So no Iron Man umbrellas for you. Or anybody else for that matter. And the whole situation with my father’s inventions is one gigantic legal clusterfuck. You love that fancy KitchenAid we have at the community kitchen, right?”

“Yes?” Darcy said, confused by the sudden change in topic. “But what does that have to do with anything?”

“The company belongs to SHIELD and the KitchenAid is based on some of my father’s designs. The motor was originally supposed for some weapons but it didn’t work out. SHIELD found another use for it and has been using my father’s inventions for their profit ever since.”

“No, you are making fun of me. I don’t believe this.”

“Jarvis, bring up the chart of SHIELD affiliated companies.”

The chart Jarvis projected immediately on one of the free wall in Tony’s workshop was gigantic and included roughly 100 branches of companies and subsidiaries.

“How long did this take for you to collect?” she asked.

“Not that long actually, once Jarvis had access to all of SHIELD’s files. The product of one sleepless night, more or less.”

“Wait a second.” Darcy had jumped from the workbench and stepped closer to the chart so she could read the company names. “They partially own Intel as well?”

“Based on some semi-conductor technology my father invented way ahead of his time and in some crazy haze of youthful patriotism allowed to be exploited by SHIELD. You know, all the rights were supposed to revert back to Stark Industries once SHIELD was no longer needed since SHIELD was only supposed to exist for a few years until all of the enemies had been dealt with and here we are, 70 years later and they are still around.”

“Yeah, I can imagine the hardship as your father made billions on weapon’s technology afterwards also thanks to his close ties with SHIELD.”

Tony looked actually offended by that statement. “It’s not a matter of the rich wanting to become even richer. It’s a matter of credit where credit is due since Stark Industries is mostly known for weapons and as a war profiteer when my father’s inventions improve so many aspects of daily life. And I’m telling you this, because I think that SHIELD is more than just the magnanimous government agency intent on keeping us safe.”

“Understood.” Darcy just nodded. “And the Avengers sans Iron Man merchandise can be a major source of income how?”

“For this, my young protégé, you need to go on a little mission. Go to the large toy store on Fifths Avenue and then keep an eye out for Cap’s shield. Trust me, then you will understand.”

~***~

Steve and Tony were in a meeting with Directory Fury when Natasha came rushing in without knocking, carrying a large amount of red-haired Barbie dolls. She didn’t even acknowledge her two teammates’ greetings, but rather unceremoniously dropped them on Fury’s pristinely clean desk and stood in front of him, hands on her hips.

“What is this?” she demanded, looking straight at Fury.

Lesser men would have run for their life screaming in terror. Or maybe flinched. Fury just slowly took one of the Barbie dolls in his hand and took his time to inspect it extensively.

“The Black Widow Barbie doll prototype, I’d assume,” he finally said.

“I didn’t give permission for this.”

“Natasha, you know you this works. We don’t need it.”

“I know of the arrangement and of the revenue streams it generates, but this?” She took one of the dolls of the table to point at Fury with it. “This is a crime.”

Fury just raised an eyebrow and Steve had the feeling that they had forgotten his and Tony’s presence entirely. He felt like he was watching a tennis match between the two spies in front of him. Even Tony looked fascinated at the scene playing out in front of him.

“How so, Agent Romanoff?”

“Have you even looked at this thing? It’s all wrong. Have you seen the body proportions of this thing?”

“It’s what the public wants. Captain America Ken dolls will be next, I assume. And it would fit perfectly.”

“Seriously?” Natasha looked more outraged than Steve had ever seen her before. “I don’t care how much the Captain looks like Ken and how my ‘hourglass figure’ qualifies me as a Barbie doll. I don’t want to be responsible for the distorted body image of even one little girl playing with this travesty. Get. Rid. Of. It.”

“And why would I do that?” Fury was still infuriatingly calm.

“Because if you don’t do it, I’ll quit and go private.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“She has a standing offer from Stark Industries,” Tony chimed in gleefully.

“And you couldn’t stomach losing me at this point. I am a very public face of this organisation now. How do you want to explain to the mainstream media the fact that the Avengers are an all boys group by any other reason than plain misogyny? Let’s see how the sales develop then, shall we?”

The two spies stared at each silently for what seemed like forever when finally Fury relented.

“Agreed. These things will never hit the shelves.”

Natasha just nodded curtly and then turned around and went for the door. “I trust you will get rid of the garbage on your desk. And from now on, I will have a final word on every Black Widow related merchandise that is about to be marked.”

“This is ridicul-“

“It’s not negotiable, Nick.” And with that she was gone.

It took a few seconds for the men in the room to come back to the conversation they had been having before Natasha’s entry.

“So, as I was saying, Captain-“ Fury started but was interrupted by Steve.

“I’m sorry, Director Fury, but Captain America Ken dolls, Sir?”

“Oh, it’s just a bit of a product we sell for some extra cash for the organisation. Just like the comic books they sold in the 1940s. It’s not a big-“

“Let me interrupt you right here, _Nick_ ,” Tony said loudly. “Captain, remember how I told you that Fury is _the_ spy and that even his secrets have secrets? Trust me, if you want to know it all, go to the large toy store on Fifths Avenue and then keep an eye out for your shield.”

~***~

The visit had been a real eye opener. Steve was floored and overwhelmed by all the stuff he’d seen. And now he felt like he was in that movie Clint had made him watch; once you had taken the red pill everything was different. Suddenly he saw everything; the Avengers were everywhere.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t expected it, really. There had already been trading cards, comic books and posters in the 1940s and he’d known from Agent Coulson that they were still tradable and worth quite a lot of money. And obviously, he’d occasionally seen the t-shirts, baseball caps and other clothing on his forays into town.

But he hadn’t expected the extent of related products that were produced and apparently bought these days. Now he recognised the girl in front of him at his favourite bakery wearing Hulk earrings. The hairdresser he went to used Avengers magnets. When he took a walk around the city one day he saw seven babies in Captain America onesies and a few kids with Hulk plush toys. On an Avengers mission he rescued a bike messenger with a helmet picturing Black Widow.

He did some further research on the internet and he found out that the Captain America comic was now at issue #317, that they had also re-issued the Captain America trading cards and some of the old and frankly terrible propaganda movies were now available on DVD and Bluray.

And it didn’t end there. Even the association seemed to be worth a lot of money. He found cereal, frozen pizza and coffee with pictures of him on it. There were shower gels and hair products, because – as Darcy had put it – everybody wanted to know how Captain America kept his hair strong and fluffy and in perfect condition under that cowl.

Per Darcy’s advice he’d gone to Tony for some further explanations afterwards, especially as to who the beneficiaries of the whole merchandise scheme were and how much revenue it generated. It didn’t really surprise him that it was SHIELD alone and the amount was huge.

But altogether it was as Tony had suggested: The visit had been very educational and quite a lot of fun, too, because he had gone together with Darcy. Tony would probably have a field day when he found out, thinking he had perfectly orchestrated a little meet cute between them with sending them to the same toy store for “research,” unaware that the two had been quietly dating for a couple of weeks now.

They had spent quite some time at the store, looking at Avenger lunch boxes and zippy cups, bed linen and headphones, baby onesies and key chains, Halloween costumes and action figures. Darcy had ended up buying some Avengers muffin liners (for the perfect Avengers themed birthday party apparently) and promised to make some double chocolate muffins for him at the next occasion.

What Steve hadn’t expected was that there would be photographs of their outing together, leading to a sudden media onslaught. For a while after he had woken up and his re-appearance had been made public the press had been following him. This had quickly stopped when they had realised that he wasn’t doing anything interesting. He and Darcy hadn’t been too secretive about going out but also had tried to lay low and be as normal and unobtrusive as possible. Despite his status as a national icon he didn’t get spotted/recognised that much when out and about as Steve Rogers and not as his superhero persona. But now with a girlfriend in tow all the media scrutiny started all over again.

~***~

**_America’s most patriotic bachelor off the market?_ **

Darcy slammed the offending paper onto Tony’s workbench.

“God, I’m good,” was his first reaction.

“Are you kidding me? This is supremely annoying! There are pictures all over the internet from when Steve and I went into the city and looked at Avengers merchandise. This isn’t funny!” she said when Tony broke into uncontrolled laughter and poked him with the magazine.

“Ouch!” Tony exclaimed, gasping for air. “Come on, it’s funny!”

“It really isn’t.”

“I admit it. I didn’t plan all those details, but come on, Lewis. You’ve been lusting after the Star Spangled Man with a Plan for months now. It wasn’t even subtle anymore. And at some point it stopped being funny, too. The UST was killing everybody, including you and the Captain.”

“Excuse me?”

“Darcy, I like you; and both you and the Captain are usually super smart, but it was there for everybody to see that you like the genetically engineered super soldier and he likes you. But you two were too dumb, shy or in Cap’s case self-sacrificing to do anything about this. So I figured I better give you a little push. And see, you had fun with him, didn’t you? Now, do yourself a favour and ask that man out for a coffee. You can thank me later and name your firstborn after me.”

“We really don’t need your help on this, Tony.”

“Really?” The expression on Tony’s face said that he thought otherwise.

“Yes,” Darcy waited with her response until Tony had taken a sip out of his mug, “because we’ve been going out for a few weeks now and kept it secret in front of you lot.”

The dramatic spit take was so worth revealing their little secret, Darcy decided. She hoped Jarvis had it saved as a video.

~***~

After training Clint found Darcy in the community kitchen being busy with several pots and pans.

“Is it just me,” he began, sitting down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island, which was overflowing with cookies and several other dishes, “or have you become even more of a homebody ever since you started going out with our team leader? Is it because of that new addition to your little family? Building the nest and all?”

If he’d been within her reach, Darcy would have smacked him but since she couldn’t, she settled for just glaring at him. Now that her relationship with Steve was out in the open she had to deal with the teasing and mocking commentary from his teammates. The only ones that hadn’t been surprised by the revelation had been Natasha and Pepper. Tony’s reaction had been by far the most dramatic; Bruce had just shrugged and continued with his experiment. Jane had been a bit disappointed that Darcy had kept it a secret even from her but had forgiven her by now. Steve had had to endure some brotherly hazing from the over-protective Thor, who had apparently thought it necessary to defend Darcy’s honour (not that it needed defending). Clint especially had taken to citing excerpts from the tabloid articles that were still going strong about Captain America and his Ordinary Lady Love and their continuing relationship status.

“I would never have taken you to be the gossip reading kind, Clint.”

“Ah, but Darcy, you should know by now that SHIELD doesn’t only trade in security, it also trades in knowledge.”

“And disgusting or highly disturbing merchandise, apparently,” Darcy muttered.

“You were saying?” Clint said, grabbing one of the cookies and devouring it in two bites.

“Oh, just thinking out loud. Do you care to try this?” she asked, placing a bowl with a yellow-y paste and some bread in front of him.

“For you, Darcy, always,” he smiled, dipping the bread into the bowl and taking a large bite – only to choke on it a second later. It took a huge part of his self-control to actually swallow it.

“And?” Darcy asked, looking at him expectantly.

He decided it was in everybody’s best interest to go for the honest approach: “Darcy, you know how much I appreciate your baking and cooking and most of it is really divine, but this stuff, this is… vile.”

“No surprises there, Clint,” she said, smiling entirely too widely, “since it has your name on it.”

“Sorry?” he asked with a frown.

“It’s the ‘ _Hawkeye’s Healthy Homemade Hummus_ ‘,” she explained, placing a packaging in a garish purple colour in front of him, “the newest addition to the _Avengers Organic Products_ line. According to what the advertisement told me, it’s the perfect addition to the product family that already includes _Captain America’s Chewy Granola Bars_ and _Black Widow’s Organic Horseradish Mustard_. And if you’d like a snack, you can have a sample of the soon-to-come _Organic Cheddar Hulks_.”

Clint actually shuddered at the mental image. “Please don’t tell me you bought all this. You don’t actually support this… garbage, do you?”

“Nope, courtesy of Director Fury. Ever since Natasha… took offence to the Black Widow Barbie he ships the newest products to the tower for your approval. I stole most of the food items for a trial run, the rest is in that gigantic pile of boxes in common room. And trust me, you don’t want to mention the Avenger toys with sound effects in Thor’s presence.”

“That bad, huh?” he said, getting up from his bar stool.

“Calling it rapture would be the understatement of the century.”

He found Thor in the common room knee-deep in packaging and examining a large variety of toys, clothing and other items very closely. He was just trying out a miniature Mjölnir that made whooshing sounds when you activated a little button on the handle.

“It is phenomenal!” he told Clint, when he noticed he had come standing next to him.

“So you approve?”

“Entirely! I was not aware that people in Midgard were so keen on hero-worshipping as well. When I was a young boy I made my own cape out of a bed sheet trying to imitate my father and other heroes I had heard so much about. My brother and I, we would take turns in depicting different roles from the tales we were told as children. But all this,” he made a flourishing gesture to include most of the toys lying around him, “makes is so much easier.”

“It is not just toys for children, though,” Clint saw it necessary to remind him.

“I know! And that is even better! Everybody can take part in this custom no matter their age! Clint, have you seen this marvellous concoction?”

“It’s a toaster, Thor.”

“But not just that, my dear fellow. Look what is does. My Jane assures me that it is quite unique for a toaster to do this and therefore I have already tested it extensively. It adds a miniature reproduction of Mjölnir to this delicious warm bread! There is one for my fellow warrior Steve’s coat of arms as well. And I am positive that we will have a toaster depicting that wondrous bow of yours in no time.”

“And too much toast to eat in the next few days,” Clint muttered dryly when he saw the pile of bread lying on the table.

It was hard not to be infected by Thor’s enthusiasm, though. It took them a few minutes to assemble all new Avengers action figures which now came with a variety of sound effects, including some sentences people apparently thought were spoken during battle. By that point the rest of the Avengers and Darcy and Pepper had joined them.

“What’s that?” Bruce eyed his action figure suspiciously. “I thought we had those already?”

“Yes, we do, but the new ones now come with sound effects,” Clint explained. “Go ahead, you have to push the button on the back.”

Bruce promptly did this and the tiny Hulk figure let out a guttural sound, which sounded nothing like the real one.

Bruce eyed his little lookalike even more suspiciously. “Well, that’s…”

“Uncanny!” Tony laughed. “You might as well think they recorded you during our last mission.”

“Not funny, Tony.”

“Bruce’s comes actually the most accurate sound,” Clint said. “Try the Captain America one, it’s hilarious.”

There was a mad dash for the Captain America action figure between Darcy, Steve und Tony, which was won by the latter. He held the figure out of the other’s reach with an expression of mad glee on his face.

“Those are the times when I’m inexplicably grateful that I own every right to the Iron Man brand and I would never give permission for these things.”

“But there’s Iron Man merchandise available,” Darcy protested. “I’ve definitely seen it.”

“There’s a selected few,” Pepper provided. “All personally approved by Tony and whose proceeds go entirely to charity.”

“And these things would never get approved,” Tony said, hovering his thumb over the button teasingly.

“Go for it, Tony,” Steve just said casually. “It can’t be worse than the comics the published in the 40s.”

“The ones where you say ‘Gosh’ and ‘Jolly’ every time you killed some Nazis?” Natasha asked.

“The very ones.”

“Okay, attention please, I’m going to push the button,” Tony announced.

“So much innuendo in that one,” Clint muttered under his breath while the action figure said in a loud and booming voice: “Rise and shine, soldiers! Courage makes a hero!”

Steve broke into laughter and the other ones followed closely after. After that they were all trying out their respective action figures – so that the common room was full of the overlaying sound effects for five minutes.

Natasha’s said “We need to get the upper hand in this” in a very high and squeaky voice, whereas Clint’s sounded like the voice actor had had a very bad cold on the day of the recording and that when he only said one word (“Bullseye!”). Action figure Thor’s “Don’t make me use my lightning!” was so bad that even the almost unflappable Thor looked appalled at it.

“The recordings are awful”, was Natasha’s final judgement. “Don’t get me started on the voice actors, but who thought we’d actually say that?”

“They should’ve listened to our talk via coms during a mission. Then it would’ve been more realistic,” Clint grinned.

“But also full of swear words and therefore not marketable for America’s innocent youngsters,” Bruce pointed out.

“What else do we have?” Tony asked, which was the cue for everybody to get hold of at least one of the boxes and rummage around in search for more ridiculous items.

Natasha unearthed some Avengers diapers with Captain America on them, which Clint commented cheekily with “They are also trying to get ready for Baby America,” for which Darcy smacked him on the head with one of the Hawkeye water guns she’d found.

Thor found a Captain America Monokini, which he held up between his hands and looked at it slightly nonplussed. When Tony’s “That a monokini, Thor” did nothing for Thor to illuminate the function of said garment, Pepper had to explain it to him for 10 minutes in her “I’m a consummate professional”-voice, while the rest of the team had tears of laughter streaming down their cheeks.

Pepper and Tony found the entire set of Avengers perfume and Cologne, while Darcy almost chocked on her drink when Steve put the _Avengers Bubble Bath Gift Set_ into her hand. The four of them where just comparing notes on the different smells and ingredients, which was interrupted by Tony reading the description on the packaging of the Patriot cologne at the top of his lungs (“PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker on a motorcycle helmet.”) when Clint struck gold.

“Guys…” Clint started, but nobody seemed to notice him. “Hey! Guys! Have you seen this?”

He held up a box with the very telling pictures and the expressive title “The Avengers – Six pieces of pleasure.”

To everybody’s surprise Bruce broke out into uncontrollable laughter. “This is priceless,” he finally choked out, gasping for breath. “Priceless.”

Tony looked like Christmas has come early. “Why didn’t I think of this?” he said, taking the box with six different vibrators in Avengers design from Clint. “While this must be some kind of prototype – because I definitely didn’t sign off on this – I _approve_ wholeheartedly.”

“Seriously?” Steve said, surprised. “Off all the crappy merchandise there is, you would approve of this?”

“Please don’t go all Captain Chastity on us now, Steve. I know this sounds really macho, but people are fantasizing about us. You get some of the fanmail, right? I can understand that SHIELD wants to cash in on that.”

“There’s some serious money in that industry, too,” Natasha added.

“And this stuff looks really high-end,” Darcy chimed in, who had taken the vibrators from Tony and gotten a closer look at them.

“I wasn’t objecting to vibrators per se,” Steve said, sounding defensive. “It’s just that most people don’t want to be connected to the sex industry because despite all some with think it cheap and dirty. And I’m surprised, because I thought SHIELD was also fiercely protective of our reputations for further marketing purposes.”

“He has a point,” Clint conceded.

“What are those devices that they cause some discord between you?” Thor asked, reaching out his hand in which Darcy placed the package. Pepper prayed that she didn’t have to explain the function of vibrators to Thor, too. There were many things she was capable of doing. Giving the God of Thunder “The Talk” while his girlfriend was busy with science wasn’t among them. To her eternal relief, Thor just took one look at the content of said package and then asked into the group: “This is for ladies to take care of their own pleasure?” to which Pepper only nodded.

“And some men, too,” Tony added, which didn’t seem to surprise Thor at all.

“Ok, I hate to be a buzzkill here,” Bruce said. “But I’m going to veto it because as flattering as it might be, some things are better left to imagination.”

Natasha and Clint just shrugged. “I’m largely indifferent,” Natasha said. “If somebody wants to veto it though, I’m game.” To which Steve and Thor nodded.

Tony let out a dramatic sigh. “Then no vibrators for our sex starved fans,” he said with a wink. “If there’s sex, it’s only going to happen with a real Avenger.”

“With the added bonus that we are totally going to keep the prototypes,” Darcy said.

~***~

A few months later Darcy was in the communal kitchen eating her breakfast when Tony walked in and dumped a pile of manila folders next to her. Darcy looked at the paperwork and then at him.

“Have you slept at all last night?” she asked suspiciously.

“Nope,” was his cheerful answer.

“I didn’t know you still used hardcopies for whatever it is you want me to do. Isn’t everything digital in Tony Stark’s world?”

“Not in this case.” He almost sang the four words.

“Okay, now you are scaring me. You seem surprisingly chipper considering what happened the past week,” Darcy narrowed her eyes at his antics, “you know, SHIELD being part of your father’s legacy and all. And for that frightening amount of paperwork you just dumped here. What is going on?”

“Remember when we first talked about the Avengers merchandise and my father’s patents? And SHIELD’s influence?”

Suddenly it dawned on Darcy. “You mean…?”

“Yep,” was just Tony’s answer.

“So, all of this now...”

“Oh yes.” The grin nearly split Tony’s face into halves. He took the first folder from the pile. “Come on, Lewis, let’s find some worthy charities we can bestow all this money upon.”

**Author's Note:**

> The toy store on Fifth Avenue is FAO Schwarz, the oldest toy store in the US. If they really carry Avengers merchandise I do not know, their websstore does, though.
> 
> The sound effect of the Captain America action figure? That's the real deal. There's [an interview with Chris Evans here](http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/673080/chris-evans-is-all-about-doing-his-own-stunts.jhtml#id=1667230), where you can hear it - skip to the 0:40 mark.
> 
> The Captain America Monokini and cologne (including the really hilarious description) are real, you can find them [here](http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/PopCulture/Movies/CaptainAmericaWinterSolider/Marvel+Captain+America+Monokini-10085397.jsp) and [here](http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/PopCulture/Movies/CaptainAmericaWinterSolider/Marvel+Captain+America+Patriot+Cologne-10157901.jsp). There's also a [Thor Cologne](http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/PopCulture/Superheroes/Marvel/Marvel+Thor+Worthy+Cologne-10158076.jsp) and an [Iron Man Cologne](http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/PopCulture/Superheroes/Marvel/Marvel+Iron+Man+Mark+VII+Cologne-10157903.jsp).
> 
> The vibrators are not real, but there's some a fannish design available on Tumblr [which you can find here](http://sarmai.tumblr.com/post/57774699811/6-pieces-of-pleasure)


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